I was shocked with myself today.

I cried during lunch break and felt a little panicky when at a quarter to 1pm, I still couldn't stop my tears from falling.

I'm stressed out.
I'm tired.

All the weariness I felt the past week and this week poured down upon me and I couldn't take it anymore. Throughout the afternoon, my eyes would just fill with tears and I have to wipe them away before my clients notice them.

I am not the weeping type. I don't shirk at responsibilities nor at challenges. I don't easily surrender. But now, I'm just really tired that I want to give up.

I know that this stress started last week when Remy was moved to Admin in order to fill in the vacancy due to Mam Janet's maternity leave. Her work was passed on to me since I am the most expert in that field among us in the counter.

I am not a grumbler. I don't complain as long as I still can do it. But I think this is too much already.

Added to this load, the loan program in our inquiry system is down this week and clients who wanted to ask for their loan balances can only inquire through me because only I have that special loan program in my account. So, due to the increased number of people lining up at my counter,I have to stay longer than everybody else just so I can cope up with my daily reports.

This ID thing is getting on my nerves as well. Most of the time, I am at the ID station and when I do get back at my table, there are so many people waiting that I cannot make my transmittals immediately and send all my transactions.

I am planning to be absent on monday just for the heck of it. I was supposed to do it last wednesday but early in the morning, I decided not to yet because I will only heap work upon myself. Besides, I already gave my word to one employer who asked for an ID appointment for his employees. I couldn't fail that.

I want to be absent because I kind of have this wicked notion that I want them to feel also how difficult it is for me to be gone. Around 4 this afternoon, just when I was finally starting to sort out all those loan payments, Lanie asked if I could facilitate the issuance of a number. Since the personnel in charge of the membership counter wasn't around, she said she does not know very much how to go about it. I told her flat that I am doing something and that if she have any questions, she can just ask me and I will dictate the procedure but I am not going to stand from my table.

I thank God for Ipil. At least I now know the reason why I was assigned there for a year. It was to train me to become a generalist so that when I come to Pagadian, even though we have specific sections, I can still do all the counters combined.

But learning comes with a price. And this is my price - stress, over-worked, over-load.

I will do something about this though. Been meaning to do it today but hesitated because I will only cry in front of sir. But on monday (If I change my mind) I will tell Sir Bim that I am having a difficult time. I am sure that we will be able to think of a solution for this.

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