Defying Gravity

I realized that I haven't really written anything yet regarding the ending of the past two relationships I had last year. The writing of this is necessary of course for when I become old and wrinkled, and my memories fail me, I can read this and have a good laugh. And weird though it may seem but I find myself grinning when I recall them now.

To begin with, the first one just disappeared. Oh yes, we were happy together one weekend but the week after that, he was nowhere to be found. (I think this was triggered when he accompanied me to a christening of Ann and Edwin's daughter at Springland and some of my team mates in SFC were there. Anyway, this is only guesswork since that was the last time we were together). We are friends now of course and I do know some of the happenings in his life but for the record, he has never yet explained to me the reason for his cold feet. Although I don't need one already, but a lot of my friends said that he chickened out on me and realized that he couldn't cope up with "my" standard. Why? Because according to them, I was way superior to him in all aspects - in the brain department, the status in life, and the wide social circle. Dixie said that it seemed to her as if I was a "dream" for him and that when he realized that he couldn't match up to his "dream", he became inferior and so disappeared. Some said that he couldn't get over his being a "striker" of my father and still somehow thinks that he is merely a servant.

I just sigh when I hear all these. True, our status in life is very different but I strongly object to the notion that I with my family made him feel as if he was beneath us. We were so understanding and welcoming to him that in fact, my mother considers him a son already. In social gatherings as well, I always introduce him and since I know that he isn't comfortable with these kind of things, I always stay close to him and make an extra effort to make him feel at ease. I also tell him about the people surrounding me so that he will have a better understanding of why I am with them. (But mind, the friends that I introduced to him didn't even reach one fourth of my circle. He knew only of the five friends I have since high school, the Creative Team in SFC, and just four of my office mates.) I was also very understanding and good to him. I did not nag, demand nor was I clingy in the sense that I could only count on my fingers the number of times I texted him first to ask him where he was. I also obeyed his admonitions, behaved very well, encouraged him a lot, cheered him on and supported him throughout. But despite these, he felt inferior and I, looking back now, couldn't really blame him. Humility aside, maybe I really was way too good for him.  

And so we parted ways. The separation was formal of course since I bravely demanded some time with him and pointed out that we must separate for our sakes. Although it was very painful, I'd rather that I severe the relationship than stay when both parties are no longer happy. Thus, the end of our three months.

I mourned for him then and became inferior with my superiority. For a few days, I despised my being more intelligent, more talented, more outgoing, and even my job because it was more illustrious. But God is indeed a God of the Impossibilities because my mourning only lasted for a month. I, as usual, prayed so hard that through faith, I was able to fight my inferiority and rise back up. I resolved that it wasn't my fault and that if anyone really wanted me, he would have to accept me just as I am. And if he couldn't, well then he couldn't be "the one". But besides this, another character came in the picture and helped me a lot to forget number 1. This was in the person of Engineer (real name is Alden). He officially asked permission to go courting May of 2011 (just when no.1 was also doing it) but did not follow up on me that much. When Alden found out through a common friend that I was already unattached, he courted me again for two months but we became formal for only a month.

My life with him was very different than what I was used to. First and foremost, he never entered our house and just waits for me outside whenever he comes to fetch me or bring me home. Secondly, he drinks a lot and is very stubborn and childish. Thirdly, although he too has a wide social circle and close family bond, and we both can easily adjust to each group, yet I, on the other hand, can at times be the exact opposite of the real me. For I could be wicked, cruel, impatient, hard-headed and was mostly out at night. Because of him, I learned to drink a little more than what I used to. Because of him I was able to visit some night places that I haven't been to yet. (However I would like to clear that in all the while that we were together, he was a gentleman to me. He did not force me to do anything nor did he treat me as just another girl. He respects whenever I say no to some of his night outs). He knew my credentials and that I am also a force to be reckon with. But unlike Striker (real name is Noel) who fell back, Engineer did not waiver. Instead, he paraded me to his friends and talked about me to his family and relatives (and all of them mind you, liked me very much).

Yet there was something in him that I could not accept no matter how hard I try to understand that it was just a part of his job- his drinking. His minimum bottle of Red Horse is 5 to 6 and he goes out with his pals almost every night or every after survey (which could sometimes be everyday). I always remind him to be moderate and sometimes he obeys but most of the time he doesn't. And heaven knows I couldn't imagine a life with a man like that. I do not quarrel with him though when this happens but only gives him the cold shoulder and tells him that it is his life he is living anyway. I also did try to reason with myself that maybe he'll change in the future, but at the back of my mind, I knew I was only fooling myself. I knew very well that if he really wants to, change cannot come because of me but from himself. He is already old enough to think for his own. I tell him this and he just says sorry then becomes quiet.

I broke up with him on January 4, 2012 on our monthsary and it was such a very hard decision to make. But before I ended it though, I told his close friend Ian what I intended to do and asked if there was a chance that he might change for the better. Ian told me that he isn't likely to change for a while yet and agreed to the conclusion I was making. He said that I should do it for Alden to realize what he lost. The following morning, I found out that their Hepe and his uncle (who were with him that night for another of their session) were very angry at him for allowing me to go. But I already made my decision and besides, I know that Alden knows what to do if he really wants me back. 

My mourning for him was deeper, way longer and different than what I experienced with Noel. Why? Because we were friends first then lovers. Unlike Noel whom I got to know when we were already together, I was already friends with Alden way back in 2008 when I was transferred to Pagadian from a year in Ipil. But I am so thankful to the Lord for revealing the negative side very early so that I will be spared from further heartaches. And although I did care a lot about Alden , I also couldn't help my heart from having misgivings about the whole situation. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that it will change, somehow a part of me tells me that he isn't the one. I don't know how to describe the feeling but in the deepest recesses of my heart, I just know that he isn't for me and that the Lord had already intended for someone who deserves me. All I have to do is to grow where He is planting me now because He is preparing me for something great and that He will reveal him in time.

Still, the journey towards healing was slow and painful. However, it did come during the 19th SFC ICon at Bohol. I remember distinctly that as the boat was leaving Plaridel for Siquijor, I leaned on the railings, gazed wistfully at the land, and whispered a soft goodbye to Mindanao. But all the while, my heart was really bidding a farewell to him. By leaving Mindanao, I was also symbolically leaving the pain. At Bohol, away from it all, I was specially reaffirmed by the Lord that He has never left my side and that He continually guides me towards the path He wants me to follow. There I realized that it was the Lord who put that doubt in my heart regarding the two men so that I won't get trapped in those relationships. There I realized that I cannot just leave behind my service just so I can pour my time and attention to the next boyfriend I will have. I determined (and I knew it was God who put that determination) that I cannot and will not compromise my God. One event that specially made an impact on me (symbolically) was the flying lanterns that Saturday night. It was so romantic and it made me so happy and excited that I held on to Cris and kept tugging him. (What can I say, it was my first time. Would have sang "I See the Light" if only there weren't that many people. Hehe!) 

So there in Bohol I made a deal with the Lord. I told God that since He doesn't want me to leave and I couldn't leave Him either, then He would have to give me someone with whom I can be partners with in my work for Him. Someone who will complement me and I him. He doesn't have to be very handsome nor very intelligent (although that would be very much welcome Lord. LOL) just as long as we are in accord with one another, that would be very fantastic. Someone that I feel very comfortable sharing my silly and sometimes brilliant ideas with. Someone whose opinion I value and consider. And most importantly, someone whom I can wholeheartedly trust, obey, support, honor, love and respect.

The journey may still be long and tedious but I know that along the way, God is shaping me to become the person I was meant to be in order that I would be able to complement my future husband. I don't know how to describe the certainty I feel in my heart that what He has promised will come true in time. I just know, that He will do great things for me. Some people may see this as madness but I call it Faith. Some people may say its impossible, but I see it as defying gravity.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap!

Its time to try defying gravity
I think I'll try defying gravity
And you cant pull me down.
(from the Broadway "Wicked")

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