Song of Years

This year is one of those years where it left a mark on me and a year that can never be forgotten.

Was just randomly scribbling this while thinking of him. I wasn't able to put the date when I did made this. But here it is.

Wrote this a month after I came home to Pagadian from college. There were many realizations, and this was one. This is specially dedicated to my true friends- May, Sha, Carol, Steph, Jenie, Nino and Vincent.

I have been staring at the wall for a couple of minutes now and I can't seem to find or decide on what to write. I feel so many emotions in my heart and I think about a lot of things to make me undecided on a certain topic.It seem queer to finally understand and realize that a friend of yours for years now is really very different from you. And I have made that realization with my true friends.

When we were still in High School, life seemed to be very smooth and worries were nothing at all. Our friendship was as strong as steel and whenever one cries, the others empathize. We didn't have arguments because we were of the same mind. There were no misunderstandings because each one perfectly understands the other. All have the same, if similar likes and dislikes.

But how wrong I was to think that! It takes years, distance, experience, and environment to make you realize that you are completely different from your friends, no matter how true and tested they are.

When I was young, I always thought that I have no say in any matter because God had already mapped out my path. That all I have to do is to listen close to Him for He will tell me what to do, where to go, what to act, and what to say. I imagined that God is some unreachable Being that dictates people of the courses of their actions.

But I was awfully wrong. I forgot to remember that God loved us so much that He gave us free will and choices. God made the earth so rich and bountiful that we will have many options and not just be resigned to one category. He gave us the earth and all its contents (people including) for us to enjoy.

You see, I went to Zamboanga to facilitate a household heads workshop during the SEAL Weekend of the SFC Zamboanga City and Zamboanga Sibugay. I was asked to do the said workshop a month before the schedule but I did not commit because of the very reason that he is at Zamboanga and that for sure, if their tactics would give them passes, he would want to accompany me. I do not like that I will be the one to go to him. What I really wanted was for him to come home for me. But days before the SEAL Weekend, I was forced to make a decision because the three full time workers were already bombarding me with pleas.

For two weeks now, I have been in constant communication with a friend. He is a policeman on training at Zamboanga. I first met him the summer of last year when I went there to take a Specialized Exam. My father sent him ahead to my sisters' boarding house to prepare the place for my stay. That time, he was still a striker of my dad - meaning that he was on the process of applying and while waiting for all those results, he stays with my father and becomes like his secretary/errand boy. He waited for me and when I arrived at the place, he just handed me the keys and left. (In the end though I went with my office mates and stayed at the hotel.)

I met him again last November when I went to Zamboanga to attend my youngest sister's 18th birthday and at the same time, spend my remaining 2 days Forced Leave.  This time, I was with my whole family and we stayed at Mercedes the entire period. We became acquaintances then but weren't that much on speaking terms yet. He meanwhile was already on his last remaining days as a striker, having passed all the exams and just waiting for December 1st to officially start his career as a policeman.

Love season is here once again and even though that particular emotion has become overused and abused over time, it still remains the most mysterious and sought after feeling. Men have written countless prose and poetry regarding the subject and the many disputes and dilemmas attributed to it are innumerable. Of course, what man does not desire such a thing? Only a fool would choose isolation from humanity. But even so, a fool also sometimes seeks attention and therefore unknowingly lets slip that he is in dire need of love as well.


To love and be loved is most fulfilling. One's life becomes meaningful and colorful if he has someone to share his achievements and failures with. A burden does not become a burden if another person is there to help carry the weight. And bliss doubles if someone is there to laugh with.

Funny when you don't heed to directions and in the end, you end up lost instead. Tatay told me the exact address but didn't pay attention anymore when I heard that it was just along National High School. But which national high school? Sta. Maria or Sta. Lucia? He wasn't replying so I decided to go for Sta. Lucia. I'm confident it was there anyway. However, when I got there, the streets were  peaceful and It didn't look like someone's having a wake. Finally, I decided to ask a resident:

Lea: Maayong gabie. Nong, mangutana unta ko. Asa dapit ila Soriano?
Manong: Didto ra dapit sa Elementary. Ngano man diay unta day?
Lea: Aw...mag funeral service man gud unta mi.
Manong: (shocked) Ha? namatay si Soriano? Pila na ka adlaw?
Lea: Wla ra ba ko kabalo manong kay wala ko kaila ana niya...
Manong: Namatay na si Soriano? Kita pa man ko adto niya...kanus-a lang kaha siya namatay day?
Lea: (smile is fading and confidence is dwindling now) Wala ra ba jud ko kabalo nong...Pro didto ra man sa elementary dapit nu? sulay lang nko adto didto. Salamat kaayo...

6am. The alarm rang. I opened my eyes and saw the shocked expression on May's face. A loud cry of "Daoy! Nasakpan nuon ko!". I laughed so hard. She grabbed the cake from the table, lit the candle and sang the Happy Birthday tune. I blew the candle and hugged her tight. She asked to me make a wish and I laughingly and loudly said: "Maka uyab!". She sat beside me on the bed laughing but grumbling at the same time. That darn clock was such a spoiler. Why did it turn on just when she was about to surprise me?

May then gave me my birthday present - a cellphone accessory with my name on it. Explained that there were no longer any letter E available so she replaced the E with a star. Used the present immediately. Further inquiry revealed that she had also bought similar trinkets for the rest of the barkada. 

Just last month, I didn't have a single clue what I would like to do this year now that I have a lot of free times. But all that has changed somehow. Still so very early in the year yet the wind is blowing differently already and as the days pass, I am more drawn to this new idea: to study law.

This began as an afterthought when I shared with my siblings the changes in my schedule. When asked what I would do with the time I have, I casually said that I would like to continue studying. Odd it may seem to some, but I missed school. I had been neglecting my masters ever since I was assigned at Ipil. But try hard as I might, there was no burning desire to continue it yet although I only need about three more semesters to be able to finish it. And even if I do finish my masters in English, it wouldn't help me much for it isn't related to the present job that I have. So I thought of law and was thrilled. And that spark that started feebly is now becoming a fire.

It has been a very long time since I became so engrossed in a movie that I also cried with the characters. This movie specially touched my heart because an hour before I watched this film, a friend of mine told me about a major decision he was making.

Listening to him, I felt like Suzanne hearing Wayne talk about enlisting in the war. My emotions were mixed: I was afraid, yet happy for him and at the same time very sad. But I also knew that I have to be brave and set aside any feeling for the greater good.

Sophie's reply to Claire's letter talks about taking the chance while you still have it. There are no rewinds in our lives. What happened yesterday will never happen again tomorrow. Every opportunity is unique in itself. But sometimes, and very rarely does it happen, that Fate gives us another chance in order to right a wrong, make straight what is crooked, expose what has been hidden, say the unutterable and to finally surrender to the inevitable.

I ask myself then- would I have the courage when it finally comes? If Fate did give us that chance, would we take the risk?

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side by side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

What if? What if? What if?

I don't know how your story ended, but if what you felt then was true love, then it's never too late. If it was true then, why wouldn't it be true now? You need only the courage to follow your heart.

I don't know what a love like Juliet feels like: a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for. But I'd like to believe, if I ever were to feel it, that I'd have the courage to seize it.

And if you didn't, I hope someday you will."

"You called in trouble and I delivered you; I answered you in the secret place of thunder, I proved you at the waters of Meribah. Open your mouth wide and I will fill it."

I love the sound of the pouring rain outside my window; It makes for a good background music.

Rain - cleanses the body and soul from impurities, gives new life.

And like a withered tree that was brought to life by the rain, so was I finally healed from my "Period of Mourning" which lasted for 3 months.

I now came to terms with myself, stopped fighting my inward battles and finally surrendered regarding certain  matters close to my heart. I now realized that opening yourself to love does not make you weak. In fact, it is the boldest thing you will ever do. Yes, you will become vulnerable and therefore expose yourself to various emotions, but it is worth it. It's ok to feel pathetic because if you haven't, then you have not really loved at all. Love is freedom. And the sooner I accepted it, the sooner I was healed.

I also learned that love is a risk. Happiness is part of the package but so is also being hurt. It's part of the risk we all must undergo. If we won't risk, then we will never know and we will end up having so many hang -ups in life.

Lately, there have been some issues regarding a certain friend of mine. Now this will be the first time that I will express my opinion regarding this matter without anyone interrupting me or dictating me as to what and how I should feel and think.